For seventeen years now, I have been living my life as a poor, trying, girl. I work hard for what I recieve. I know the value of a dollar. But all these years, I have been looking for one thing : Happiness. At some points in my life, I have felt "Happy." An example is when I met Joseph, or when I sit on my beach house porch at 6am watching the sunrise and tide fall. Happiness has been acheived for moments, but never for life. Is happiness just a feeling? Or is it a way of life?

This last January of 2007, I decided to become a more better person. I know last year I was not such a great person. I did not think much about my actions, or at least think the right way. I was suicidal, insane, and drugged. In May 2006 I decided to stop all the crap I have been doing for the past 4 years, and settle down. I know I am still a minor, but that doesnt mean I have to be a "KID."
A KID to me is someone who doesnt know all the rules yet, and can break them freely.  But now I know what is better for me. Joseph helped me see the light.

So in January, I became "Kosher." I started to only eat foods which have been raised and blessed by Rabbis. At first, it did not seem hard. I just bought foods with a "K" on them or "Parve." Everything seemed to get better. I was working, eating kosher, working out, and going to school. I was, and still am,recieving great grades. (The funny thing is, the whole time I was drugged and partying, I still got good grades. I never let my schooling fall. Its Number One!!) All of that pressure got to me though. It broke me down, because I was doing "so good."
When you try to reach perfection,  your reaching for the stars. You can never touch them!  
So I would get mad at myself for various reasons, over the past 3 monthes. I would say "Nicole, I know you can do this. Your a strong person. Just THINK of all the things you have been through!"
So I kept on pushing. This past week though, It got out of hand.
I became so Kosher, that I would not eat anything, even if i was starving. I hadnt eaten all day, because nothing Kosher was in the house. So i started feeling, faint, but ignored it.  I just thought - "eh, ill eat some cereal before bed and be good" But then I starting getting physically sick. That day, I realized, that i needed to stop this "Perfection Binge."   Yesterday was the day I broke my 3 monthes of being Kosher, and practically Vegetarian. I woke up, felt dissapointed in myself, but knew what I had to do. There was not much food in the house, and I was feeling to lazy to go shopping with an empty stomach. So I told my mom "Lets go to Subway." I knew G-D could forgive me, for I do not have thousands of dollars to spend on Kosher Foods every month. So i went to Subway, got a foot long CLUB with everything on it, and went home to chow down on dissapointment. It was the best meal I had in the past 3 monthes, but also the most saddening.
I was eating away all of that hard work. Its like when your dieting ,and crash  with a half gallon of ice cream. You THROW IT ALL AWAY.

But this morning, I had a break through. It really doesn't matter if I eat healthy and Not Kosher. For my whole 17 years I havent eaten like this, why did i Pressure myself so greatly to start now?  It  is because I want to be the best person possible, that I can be. Yes, I was being that person for these past 3 monthes, working out, school, saving money, making others happy, volunteering, the whole sh-bang. 

But Was I HAPPY!?! WAS I HAPPY? NO!
I was STRESSED, TIRED, BURNT OUT, and CRANKY. I was OVERWORKED, UNDER- EATEN, and ready to go back to my old ways.   I was ready to get drunk and sit around all day doing SHIT. ALL BECAUSE I DID THIS TO MYSELF.
My dad warned me to relax, so i wouldn't burn myself out. But I just couldn't relax until I was Perfect.
But you know what ? NOBODYS PERFECT, and SHOULD NOT TRY TO BE.

Im going to live my life from this day on "DOING WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY!!!!" If smoking weed makes me happy, I shall take a hit.
If drinking occasionaly makes me happy, I shall do so. If working out 3 times a week makes me happy, I will sweat my ass off! THIS IS MY LIFE, MY BODY! I can run it as I please. But I WILL NOT BURN MYSELF OUT. I've got atleast another 75 years to live, and theres no reason to burn myself out now.

America Today

 By Nicole

            America is a vast country of many different kinds of subjects. Some of these include the people, states, and the government. The people of America can be placed in many groups and stereotypes, but they are all Americans. The states are mostly the same, except for a few age laws and environments. Many positive things can not be said about the US government, for it has not been listening to 'it's people', since Lincoln stepped out of the building. America is fine place to live, for its civilization and clean water. But when it comes to true, honest substance of a country, it is hard to find here in America.

 

            Americans, Americans, Americans. They are Starbucks loving, technology depending, food wasting, environmentally damaging animals. They are worse than the animals. At minimum, the animals love and care for the environment. Most Americans today have lost all of the traditional values of life. Bakeries have been replaced my cell phone shops. Pet stores have been shut down due to big corporations, like Wal- Mart, selling them out. People are hardly friendly with their neighbors, and must lock their doors at night. There are a few exceptions to this. There are very few small towns left in America, where bakeries are still running and neighbors are chatting. But, for the most part, America has been swallowed by big companies and money.

 

            The states of America need environmental help. Did you know that forty-four percent of American waters can not be swam or fished in? People and their factories have polluted the waters. Fisherman can not enjoy a river like they could in the 1800's. There is very little land left to be built on. Most land is covered by tall or wide buildings. Deserts have been plowed down for houses which no people are living in. Mountains are shaved for no reason. All of this construction is happening, but no thought about the environment is put into it. Clouds of pollution billow out of tractors and trucks all day long. Highways are filled with smog and dust. If only we had horse drawn carriages again! America's states have been building, selling, and buying: murder to nature.

 

            There is so much to be said about the US government, but no one wants to hear it. Americans know that their government is filled with stubborn, unloving, self- centered people. The government never stops to help the small town people, who make up the heart of America. They focus on big money, and that is about it. They cheat us Americans out of our hard earned money, to spend it on their salaries. America's government is dishonest and unapproved by many.

           

            The one thing I am thankful for, to live in America, is its civilization. Although we have damaging traits, corporate wars, and a dishonest government, we still have clean water. We can take showers without worry of getting the water in our mouths. We can order food and have it in five minutes, for less than five dollars. Americans can enjoy a life made easier by technology. We lose our traditional values and traits to this new world, and it is sad. But we still must be thankful for how easy our lives are compared to what American life used to be. America is a country where we can have our cake and eat it too.

 

 

           

            I am not afraid. I am brave enough to do what I need, to help change this world. I will not let anyone stand in my way of helping this world. This world will soon see what I am able to do for it, and to what extent.

 

            I know that G-D put me here to help people and this world entirely.

Since I know my purpose on this earth, I can accomplish everything I want to. I do not need to let fear get in the way.

           

            Fear is a number one reason people do not act on their dreams. They fear not succeeding in college, or that special dance class. Fear from the society stops many people in their tracks to happiness. People scare others to get ahead of them. A big corporate company may make a fellow resident fear opening a bakery. They fear it will fail because the corporate sized store, a couple of miles away, will contain all of the local business. The fear incapacitates the wannabe-bakery-owner to run his small business. Fear gets in the way for too many people, and I will not let it scare me!

 

            I will do my best to fulfill all of my possibilities to help this world. No matter what, fear will not be stopping me from changing this wonderful world. It is a magnificent world; it just needs some touch-ups. There is no reason to be afraid, for fear is what gets in the way of succession.

 

How are you going to change the world?

I am going to change the world by helping it. I will have many careers in my lifetime, to help many people. I will have a career in education, to teach the children how to help the world. I will teach them how everyone is equal and different. I will teach them how to get along and find happiness. I will teach them how to love to learn and love to live. The children are the future of this world, so they always come first.

 

Changing the world is a big job, but it is possible. I will have a career in psychology to help all of those who need, or want it. If more people are happy, then the world becomes a happier place.

 

To help the environment, I will have a degree in environmentalism. 

I will preach to cities about greenhouse gases and clean air. I will tell them, " Did you know that sharing a ride with someone just two days a week reduces carbon-dioxide emissions by 1,590 pounds per year?" Simple questions like this will penetrate the crowds to start carpooling. The less amount of emissions means the better the air! The cleaner the air, the healthier this world can be.

 

Everyday I wake up questioning what I can do to help the world. It may be a big job to change the whole world, but with every person I encourage to take my path, this world will change. It will change for the best.

To whom this may concern:

Do you know what is funny? It is easy to help others, and see their issues clearly. It is simple to evaluate some one else's life, but when it comes to your own, your blinded. You are blinded by the light that shines out from your sub conscience, who is yelling at you the true issue.

It is hard to communicate with your sub conscience self, but sometimes you must. You must to find out what the hell your body and mind are up to. You must to see what is truly wrong . Your Conscious can not tell you everything you need to know. It only holds the information that your conscious being experiences. It does not hold everything you once learned, everything you once loved, everything you once held so close!

If you don't know by now , that we are bipartisan, than I am sorry. But it is true, without doubt. And you MUST communicate with your inner self. Find out what makes you run. What makes you truly happy? What do you want in life?

Don't go on living a life that is conformed to society! Do not go on because you feel like you have to!PLEASE....

*Do what makes you happy in life!
*Find your bliss and make money out of that.
*Don't get stuck in a dead end job, with an endless cycle of "just making the bills."
*Do not stay with someone just because you've been with them so long, feel trapped, & helpless.
*Live your own independent life!

Well, I've gone off track, like always. Sorry. But back to the point of this letter to "the concerned."

I have some issues of my own, that i need to evaluate and analyze.
Sometimes, you think you got it all figured out "for now", but then BAM!
G-D hits you with another entertaining life dilemma, which has actually been sitting there all along.
(( You never can have everything "figured out for life", because you don't know everything.And you never will))

See, this is why you need to be in touch with yourself, to be able to be
TRULY HAPPY.
You need give all of your issues a plan; a plan to solve them.
( I feel like I am talking to myself here. But really, I hope someone reads this and gets something out of it. I am always hoping for the better.)

Hoping for the better is not always best. You need to ACT upon your wishes, dreams, and hopes. It is the only way they will come true.
( So Yes, it is helpful to hope, wish, and dream, but only if you act upon them!)

So thank you for reading this, and please comment.
If you comment, atleast i know you actually sat here and read the darn thing.

Love always, Nicole
Ps: Ill be back soon with more.

Well, I always held that speech back from my work-addicted grandmother. She travels the world with different businesses and world organizations, and has much money to show for it. She is proud of who she is, and deserves to be.


Well, she is always lecturing me to get my S.A.T Tests done, apply to colleges, get better grades, be a better person, get a loan for school and pay it back the rest of my life, wear more clothes, change my ways, and more.
Yes, I know these are good things, but she does it in such a cruel and mean way, it hurts my feelings.


So, Finally, Today. I told her!
I told her how I am NOT getting a loan, to go to college for 12 years,
to become a Dr. in Psychology. I know a person who makes well over 70,000 a year and only has a few small degrees.
I refuse to conform to the normal american ways of life.
I will find my bliss, and be happy.
I may not travel the world, and have three houses, but I DONT WANT THAT!!!
I want to live in  my cottage, in my small town without locked doors. I will become happy off of my natural skills such as acting, writing, or baking.  

AND FINALLY
She told me to "Enjoy my endeavor." In a nice tone.
She always is fighting anything I am doing, but once i told her, from the heart, how i felt. She broke and realized it IS ABOUT HAPPINESS!
She may be happy traveling and working everyday, but i love my leisure time, working out, baking, doing yoga, and writing poetry.
The things I love doing making me happy. And I will produce money out of those.

Nicole

Im so stressed out.
What THE HELL??!?!

Im working full time, going to school full time, and cant fit everything fucken together. One day things are fine and on track, the next everything is in disarray.

If  i make plans, i cant keep them. I have too much school work and too much real work. My boss asks" are you in a bad mood" i say " no, im stressed. Ineed to get more homework done. I have school tomorrow." she doesnt reply.

I dont know what to do. I think i need to take a day off or something.

my boss just asked me "why dont you do your homework?" I cant focus here at work. Its too hectic. I cant remember what i read, when the phone rings between every sentence. Last week i did my math at work, but this week i have economics and english left to do. I cant do those subjects here.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

this is so hard. My head hurts.  My fingers are fidgety. I have anxiety at a level of 8/10. Later today it will rise to 10, when i get off work and  realize i have to do homework. (instead of relax) All the money i make is just going to go to college. Its not going to be a luxury cruise or anything like that.
I need my balance back. I need more time to relax and study. I need less time working.

Maybe I can just start later? I hate/cant do my homework when i get home. My head is full of 100 names and numbers of which i dealt with that/this day.

The only thing that really lets me relax is JOE. Thanks you baby for being able to do that. But once your gone, My head hops on a treadmill until friday night .It runs until sweat pores out of every orifice in the brain. I feel like my head is in a vice. I have cooking, cleaning, caring, studying, working, filing, discussing, answering, questioning, writing, friends to contact, and more. Im sorry if your a friend reading this and we havent talked. I litterly dont have time or peace of mind to be able to CHILL =(

the only way to slightly relieve some tension is doing this. Just telling someone or something what is going on, lets a TINY bit out. But still i can sit here and type all day about my stress. Im happy cuz im making money and going to school. But i dont really need to be working. Saving this money will just help me out in the future. I tried to talk to a bank person today about saving money for a cruise. He said to start a REG savings account. I told him i had one and wanted an account with more interest. He said you need atleast 10,000 dollars. I told him i have 150 and wanted 2000 in two years. that dumbass couldnt help me.

I need a psychologist. I need someone to talk to , to help me. I need help..........

if you are reading this, please tell me your ideas. I need some feedback. AND

Every fucken time i write a blog, send out a bulletin, send out messages, mostly anything on myspace, idont get a response. I get responses from bands more than the people that i know! Im sick of that shit. why are you my friend if you wont write me a simple letter? comment? Or even a reply? Why do i take my time with you people if your just gonna sit on your ass and pretend im not here? I have 12 comments out of 245 views. You 233 people CAN SUCK MY TITTY.

Im at work right now typing faster than mozart played the piano, and none of you even care. People dont have consideration any more. People dont have common sense, or logic. Im getting so sick of people. I see 100's a week, and these people tell me their life stories. You people reading this couldnt care less than a rats ass about others and their lifes.

Atleast i have some sympathy. Im sick of your apathy. Im sick of your complaining about your petty problems. Just deal with them like a real person and cry alone at night. If your someone who i talk to, like Doug, or Scott, or Kevin, then all this bullshit excludes you, of course.

But do you hear what Im saying ?
Do you see what the world and it's people have come to?
Do you know why I write this?

I write this because it matters. I write things because i feel like there might be someone out there in a better situation than me, that might feel some empathy . But if noone reads this I Dont care. It wont be another STITCH in the section of my brain that is labeled "stress"

FUCK YOU if you dont comment.
THANK YOU if you do.

Why do I do the things i do?


I'm sitting here wondering why i do the things i do.

Why cry, when everythings going to be allright?

Why be sad, when theres nothing to be sad about? Or is there?

Why overwork yourself, when your just a kid? Or am I? Someone told me yesterday "Im not talking to a 16year old girl. Im talking to a young adult."

I thought about that, and realized it was true. If i talk to ANY other 16 year old, they are not even nearly in the same world as I am.

Maturity is formed in a person from the experiences they have been through. The hardships i have been through forced me into the person I am. I had a choice: sink or swim. So I learned to swim. And Ive been swimming since.

There has not been a day in my life that was ... easy. Every decision, every outcome from each has taught me a lesson. Sometimes that lesson is HEARTACHING. Other times, Its a relief i learned it then, instead of later.

So, Im still wondering. Why do I do certain things that hurt me? Why do i crave such destruction at times? I still do not understand my complex mind.

When I talk to a new person I meet, they do not believe half the things I say. And if they do, They are surprised that I am saying it. Im proud to have this effect on people, yet sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have the mind of a normal 16 year old. I would probably be doing drugs, partying, and going to a public highschool. I would probably be cheating on my tests, because I would not have time to study. I would be too involved in my social life. Who knows who the person I COULD Be. But I do know the person I am.

I wish I could configure this mind though! Sometimes I think Ive got everything in my hands. Other times, I feel like nothing is in the right place.

This week I am full of introspection. I am diving deep, and finding gold at the bottom of pools. Also, I am finding rotten apples that have fallen from the tops of my trees. These rotten apples are all in the same pool : relationships.

Relationships: "Friends, Boys, and Family"

My family relationships are normal.

My friends relationships are currently Out-Of-Whack. The friends i thought i had currently, have bailed out on me to drugs, or other sorts of bad ideas. The friends I use to have, Have turned into rotten apples themselves. And the friends I want Hardly exist. It is so hard and challenging to find a good friend these days. With all the drugs, anger and hate in this world, People in general do not even know what happiness is. They do not know how to function in a normal life, without a fake smile. People = Challenge.

Boys: I remember certain relationships that I deeply enjoyed. I have had other relationships, which I enjoyed during them, but when they were over, I hated them. I now hate them because they destructed my future. They ruined the person I wanted to be. I now have to work EXTREMELY hard to be the person I want to be. I miss some of them. I really do, but I wouldnt trade my current relationship for ANYTHING. Its hard to say that i miss them, because I know it upsets SOMEONE. But today ive been thinking, and wondering "why do i miss them?" What was it about them that i miss? Easy communication, EXTREME adventures,
Life threatening situations, Social Situations, Envy from others . I miss it all.

But do i want it now? eh- If i could have it added, like a cup of sugar, to my current life, sure. {but sorry to say NICOLE thats not happening}

Anyways, I have to get back to work now. Please comment. It means alot to me. I hate to see 45 views and 0 comments.

To Whom It May Concern:

This world is a wonderful place. It is filled with wonderful people.
But sometimes the majority of the people can't exit their life to view the world.
So many people can not see the big picture. Such a large amount do not even know what the "big picture" is. On the other hand there are many people who can do these things.
There are people who can think in amazing ways. I want to meet those people.

Issue #2:
Infatuation
Some people have been in love.
Others do not know what love is.

Some people think :
You can not have a partner/spouse who is your friend and also your sexual partner. These people believe that you cant sit there and talk for hours to someone, and then later on have sexual relations. They believe there are two lists: One for friends and one for partners.

Others Believe: (Like Me)
Love has no boundaries. Love is blind. Love includes communication, helping eachother become the best person each could ever be, sexual relations, having fun, going through hard times together,  going through great times together, enjoying each other's presence,
giving and receiving, liking and licking, kissing and hugging, doing anything for eachother,
balanced conditioned love.{{Unconditional love is not always good because it lets the other person get away with things they do not deserve. It gives them the idea :"I can do anything in the world and this girl/guy would still love me" }}

 LOVE IS FANTASTIC. It is what the world and all the people in it need.  I could not imagine how this world would be, if everyone was in love. I can't even imagine it because there is this thing, called balance, that everything must contain.

Balance:
Everything needs balance. All lives need balance. They need a balance between love and hate, food and exercise, work and vacation, saving and spending, happiness and sad.
If the balance get unset, like a scale, then all things go out of whack. Imagine if one morning, a fitness expert steps on the scale and it says 300. They would be crazed and infuriated. There whole day would start unbalanced and create unbalance in everything surrounding that life.This brings me to cause and effect. 
Cause and Effect
We all learned about cause and effect back in grade school. Our teacher would flip a switch and show us how she caused the lights to go out. She would count to 3 and the class would go quiet. That was just the beginning of cause and effect.
When you cause someone to cry, it causes others to care, or not care. When you have a bad day, people around you have a bad day. EVERYTHING YOU DO has an effect on the world and the people in it. It may not be a big effect on the whole world, but it DOES effect something somewhere, always.
People
It is so fun to discuss people. There are so many different minds and bodies out there, that the conversation could never end. Big, Small, Smart, Incompetent. The ranges are undefineable.

Sorry to say ,but my hands and brain are getting tired from this typing and thinking.
If you read this PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE comment. on my last blog 42 people viewed and not a single comment. I still don't get the issue about commenting. When i read something or view it, i express my honest opinion about it.
So WHY DONT YOU DO THE SAME PLEASE?
- Nicole

Dear Readers,
Please comment when you are done. Thank you.

I have so much to say, but I will try to sort it out for you.
I like to record my thoughts at 3am , because they are the best ones.
I think about all the things I can't think about during the day, because I am so preoccupied by the daily life.
Right now I am thinking about a million things.
  One thing is " Why Do I think so much at the worst times?"
Every-time somebody is leaving, hanging up the phone, or has to go, I think of the best things to talk about. I think about every tiny detail in a matter of seconds, but don't have the minutes to express them.
 Next thing: " Why can I imagine such complex and interlaced images, but could never explain or draw them?
I think of the most beautiful decorations, or the most extravagant lands, but can never bring them out of my head. I have taken years of art, but am not talented in it enough to portray my thoughts onto paper. A million words could harldy describe what goes on in my head. That is why I talk so much. There is just so much to be said!
 Third Thing: "I know nothing is perfect, but why do I try SO hard to make it that way?"
I try to make everything I can or want to perfect.  I do not even know why perfect is a word because there is nothing that can be described by it. And if so, It is just an opinion. It is not the truth. And knowing that, just makes it feel snubby when someone says "it's perfect."
I have always thought I am not "good enough." This could be caused by childhood trauma, but I try to not let my childhood get to me anymore.
After learning that my childhood effected me so much, I stopped letting it. I changed things.
But this "Striving to be perfect" comes out of my natural instincts. I noticed, as I looked at my sweating body today, that it still looked like it always did- normal. I know I am not a normal size, but just a tad smaller. But I feel like I will never be able to look down at my body and say,"wow, I wouldnt change a thing." But then again, who says that?ps 3 is my favorite number. Hence "third thing"
Numbro Quatro: "Love changed me"
  I know what your thinking "this 16 year old girl does not know what love is" But let me tell you, I DO. Just listen.
Up until I met my lover Joseph, I was suicidal. I did not own many reasons to live. I felt like my parents did not care about me.( They did not show it, as they were glued to their drug induced worlds) FYI{Theyre sober now} My friends were no help at all. They have always been to "young" to understand my life. The harder things you go through, the more you understand why you go through them. I now know "GOD will not hand you  anything You can not handle"-Grandma Cookie.
  So Love Changed Me. It made me want to "live." It made me want to look outside my window, instead of ignoring that the Sun is actually up. See, I have been an insomniac since I can remember. I used to stay up at night and sleep all day.(sometimes)Right now It is 3:11 and I am typing about 55 words per minute. But now my lover is on the phone and my mind is taken up. I will continue the rest later!
Love Nicole
Ps PLEASE COMMENT