To Whom It May Concern:

This world is a wonderful place. It is filled with wonderful people.
But sometimes the majority of the people can't exit their life to view the world.
So many people can not see the big picture. Such a large amount do not even know what the "big picture" is. On the other hand there are many people who can do these things.
There are people who can think in amazing ways. I want to meet those people.

Issue #2:
Infatuation
Some people have been in love.
Others do not know what love is.

Some people think :
You can not have a partner/spouse who is your friend and also your sexual partner. These people believe that you cant sit there and talk for hours to someone, and then later on have sexual relations. They believe there are two lists: One for friends and one for partners.

Others Believe: (Like Me)
Love has no boundaries. Love is blind. Love includes communication, helping eachother become the best person each could ever be, sexual relations, having fun, going through hard times together,  going through great times together, enjoying each other's presence,
giving and receiving, liking and licking, kissing and hugging, doing anything for eachother,
balanced conditioned love.{{Unconditional love is not always good because it lets the other person get away with things they do not deserve. It gives them the idea :"I can do anything in the world and this girl/guy would still love me" }}

 LOVE IS FANTASTIC. It is what the world and all the people in it need.  I could not imagine how this world would be, if everyone was in love. I can't even imagine it because there is this thing, called balance, that everything must contain.

Balance:
Everything needs balance. All lives need balance. They need a balance between love and hate, food and exercise, work and vacation, saving and spending, happiness and sad.
If the balance get unset, like a scale, then all things go out of whack. Imagine if one morning, a fitness expert steps on the scale and it says 300. They would be crazed and infuriated. There whole day would start unbalanced and create unbalance in everything surrounding that life.This brings me to cause and effect. 
Cause and Effect
We all learned about cause and effect back in grade school. Our teacher would flip a switch and show us how she caused the lights to go out. She would count to 3 and the class would go quiet. That was just the beginning of cause and effect.
When you cause someone to cry, it causes others to care, or not care. When you have a bad day, people around you have a bad day. EVERYTHING YOU DO has an effect on the world and the people in it. It may not be a big effect on the whole world, but it DOES effect something somewhere, always.
People
It is so fun to discuss people. There are so many different minds and bodies out there, that the conversation could never end. Big, Small, Smart, Incompetent. The ranges are undefineable.

Sorry to say ,but my hands and brain are getting tired from this typing and thinking.
If you read this PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE comment. on my last blog 42 people viewed and not a single comment. I still don't get the issue about commenting. When i read something or view it, i express my honest opinion about it.
So WHY DONT YOU DO THE SAME PLEASE?
- Nicole

Why do I do the things i do?


I'm sitting here wondering why i do the things i do.

Why cry, when everythings going to be allright?

Why be sad, when theres nothing to be sad about? Or is there?

Why overwork yourself, when your just a kid? Or am I? Someone told me yesterday "Im not talking to a 16year old girl. Im talking to a young adult."

I thought about that, and realized it was true. If i talk to ANY other 16 year old, they are not even nearly in the same world as I am.

Maturity is formed in a person from the experiences they have been through. The hardships i have been through forced me into the person I am. I had a choice: sink or swim. So I learned to swim. And Ive been swimming since.

There has not been a day in my life that was ... easy. Every decision, every outcome from each has taught me a lesson. Sometimes that lesson is HEARTACHING. Other times, Its a relief i learned it then, instead of later.

So, Im still wondering. Why do I do certain things that hurt me? Why do i crave such destruction at times? I still do not understand my complex mind.

When I talk to a new person I meet, they do not believe half the things I say. And if they do, They are surprised that I am saying it. Im proud to have this effect on people, yet sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have the mind of a normal 16 year old. I would probably be doing drugs, partying, and going to a public highschool. I would probably be cheating on my tests, because I would not have time to study. I would be too involved in my social life. Who knows who the person I COULD Be. But I do know the person I am.

I wish I could configure this mind though! Sometimes I think Ive got everything in my hands. Other times, I feel like nothing is in the right place.

This week I am full of introspection. I am diving deep, and finding gold at the bottom of pools. Also, I am finding rotten apples that have fallen from the tops of my trees. These rotten apples are all in the same pool : relationships.

Relationships: "Friends, Boys, and Family"

My family relationships are normal.

My friends relationships are currently Out-Of-Whack. The friends i thought i had currently, have bailed out on me to drugs, or other sorts of bad ideas. The friends I use to have, Have turned into rotten apples themselves. And the friends I want Hardly exist. It is so hard and challenging to find a good friend these days. With all the drugs, anger and hate in this world, People in general do not even know what happiness is. They do not know how to function in a normal life, without a fake smile. People = Challenge.

Boys: I remember certain relationships that I deeply enjoyed. I have had other relationships, which I enjoyed during them, but when they were over, I hated them. I now hate them because they destructed my future. They ruined the person I wanted to be. I now have to work EXTREMELY hard to be the person I want to be. I miss some of them. I really do, but I wouldnt trade my current relationship for ANYTHING. Its hard to say that i miss them, because I know it upsets SOMEONE. But today ive been thinking, and wondering "why do i miss them?" What was it about them that i miss? Easy communication, EXTREME adventures,
Life threatening situations, Social Situations, Envy from others . I miss it all.

But do i want it now? eh- If i could have it added, like a cup of sugar, to my current life, sure. {but sorry to say NICOLE thats not happening}

Anyways, I have to get back to work now. Please comment. It means alot to me. I hate to see 45 views and 0 comments.

Im so stressed out.
What THE HELL??!?!

Im working full time, going to school full time, and cant fit everything fucken together. One day things are fine and on track, the next everything is in disarray.

If  i make plans, i cant keep them. I have too much school work and too much real work. My boss asks" are you in a bad mood" i say " no, im stressed. Ineed to get more homework done. I have school tomorrow." she doesnt reply.

I dont know what to do. I think i need to take a day off or something.

my boss just asked me "why dont you do your homework?" I cant focus here at work. Its too hectic. I cant remember what i read, when the phone rings between every sentence. Last week i did my math at work, but this week i have economics and english left to do. I cant do those subjects here.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

this is so hard. My head hurts.  My fingers are fidgety. I have anxiety at a level of 8/10. Later today it will rise to 10, when i get off work and  realize i have to do homework. (instead of relax) All the money i make is just going to go to college. Its not going to be a luxury cruise or anything like that.
I need my balance back. I need more time to relax and study. I need less time working.

Maybe I can just start later? I hate/cant do my homework when i get home. My head is full of 100 names and numbers of which i dealt with that/this day.

The only thing that really lets me relax is JOE. Thanks you baby for being able to do that. But once your gone, My head hops on a treadmill until friday night .It runs until sweat pores out of every orifice in the brain. I feel like my head is in a vice. I have cooking, cleaning, caring, studying, working, filing, discussing, answering, questioning, writing, friends to contact, and more. Im sorry if your a friend reading this and we havent talked. I litterly dont have time or peace of mind to be able to CHILL =(

the only way to slightly relieve some tension is doing this. Just telling someone or something what is going on, lets a TINY bit out. But still i can sit here and type all day about my stress. Im happy cuz im making money and going to school. But i dont really need to be working. Saving this money will just help me out in the future. I tried to talk to a bank person today about saving money for a cruise. He said to start a REG savings account. I told him i had one and wanted an account with more interest. He said you need atleast 10,000 dollars. I told him i have 150 and wanted 2000 in two years. that dumbass couldnt help me.

I need a psychologist. I need someone to talk to , to help me. I need help..........

if you are reading this, please tell me your ideas. I need some feedback. AND

Every fucken time i write a blog, send out a bulletin, send out messages, mostly anything on myspace, idont get a response. I get responses from bands more than the people that i know! Im sick of that shit. why are you my friend if you wont write me a simple letter? comment? Or even a reply? Why do i take my time with you people if your just gonna sit on your ass and pretend im not here? I have 12 comments out of 245 views. You 233 people CAN SUCK MY TITTY.

Im at work right now typing faster than mozart played the piano, and none of you even care. People dont have consideration any more. People dont have common sense, or logic. Im getting so sick of people. I see 100's a week, and these people tell me their life stories. You people reading this couldnt care less than a rats ass about others and their lifes.

Atleast i have some sympathy. Im sick of your apathy. Im sick of your complaining about your petty problems. Just deal with them like a real person and cry alone at night. If your someone who i talk to, like Doug, or Scott, or Kevin, then all this bullshit excludes you, of course.

But do you hear what Im saying ?
Do you see what the world and it's people have come to?
Do you know why I write this?

I write this because it matters. I write things because i feel like there might be someone out there in a better situation than me, that might feel some empathy . But if noone reads this I Dont care. It wont be another STITCH in the section of my brain that is labeled "stress"

FUCK YOU if you dont comment.
THANK YOU if you do.