Why do I do these actions?

Why do I do the things i do?


I'm sitting here wondering why i do the things i do.

Why cry, when everythings going to be allright?

Why be sad, when theres nothing to be sad about? Or is there?

Why overwork yourself, when your just a kid? Or am I? Someone told me yesterday "Im not talking to a 16year old girl. Im talking to a young adult."

I thought about that, and realized it was true. If i talk to ANY other 16 year old, they are not even nearly in the same world as I am.

Maturity is formed in a person from the experiences they have been through. The hardships i have been through forced me into the person I am. I had a choice: sink or swim. So I learned to swim. And Ive been swimming since.

There has not been a day in my life that was ... easy. Every decision, every outcome from each has taught me a lesson. Sometimes that lesson is HEARTACHING. Other times, Its a relief i learned it then, instead of later.

So, Im still wondering. Why do I do certain things that hurt me? Why do i crave such destruction at times? I still do not understand my complex mind.

When I talk to a new person I meet, they do not believe half the things I say. And if they do, They are surprised that I am saying it. Im proud to have this effect on people, yet sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have the mind of a normal 16 year old. I would probably be doing drugs, partying, and going to a public highschool. I would probably be cheating on my tests, because I would not have time to study. I would be too involved in my social life. Who knows who the person I COULD Be. But I do know the person I am.

I wish I could configure this mind though! Sometimes I think Ive got everything in my hands. Other times, I feel like nothing is in the right place.

This week I am full of introspection. I am diving deep, and finding gold at the bottom of pools. Also, I am finding rotten apples that have fallen from the tops of my trees. These rotten apples are all in the same pool : relationships.

Relationships: "Friends, Boys, and Family"

My family relationships are normal.

My friends relationships are currently Out-Of-Whack. The friends i thought i had currently, have bailed out on me to drugs, or other sorts of bad ideas. The friends I use to have, Have turned into rotten apples themselves. And the friends I want Hardly exist. It is so hard and challenging to find a good friend these days. With all the drugs, anger and hate in this world, People in general do not even know what happiness is. They do not know how to function in a normal life, without a fake smile. People = Challenge.

Boys: I remember certain relationships that I deeply enjoyed. I have had other relationships, which I enjoyed during them, but when they were over, I hated them. I now hate them because they destructed my future. They ruined the person I wanted to be. I now have to work EXTREMELY hard to be the person I want to be. I miss some of them. I really do, but I wouldnt trade my current relationship for ANYTHING. Its hard to say that i miss them, because I know it upsets SOMEONE. But today ive been thinking, and wondering "why do i miss them?" What was it about them that i miss? Easy communication, EXTREME adventures,
Life threatening situations, Social Situations, Envy from others . I miss it all.

But do i want it now? eh- If i could have it added, like a cup of sugar, to my current life, sure. {but sorry to say NICOLE thats not happening}

Anyways, I have to get back to work now. Please comment. It means alot to me. I hate to see 45 views and 0 comments.