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Being Proud Of Who I Am

Posted on Jun 11th, 2007 by Nicole : Captain Complex Nicole

Well, I always held that speech back from my work-addicted grandmother. She travels the world with different businesses and world organizations, and has much money to show for it. She is proud of who she is, and deserves to be.


Well, she is always lecturing me to get my S.A.T Tests done, apply to colleges, get better grades, be a better person, get a loan for school and pay it back the rest of my life, wear more clothes, change my ways, and more.
Yes, I know these are good things, but she does it in such a cruel and mean way, it hurts my feelings.


So, Finally, Today. I told her!
I told her how I am NOT getting a loan, to go to college for 12 years,
to become a Dr. in Psychology. I know a person who makes well over 70,000 a year and only has a few small degrees.
I refuse to conform to the normal american ways of life.
I will find my bliss, and be happy.
I may not travel the world, and have three houses, but I DONT WANT THAT!!!
I want to live in  my cottage, in my small town without locked doors. I will become happy off of my natural skills such as acting, writing, or baking.  

AND FINALLY
She told me to "Enjoy my endeavor." In a nice tone.
She always is fighting anything I am doing, but once i told her, from the heart, how i felt. She broke and realized it IS ABOUT HAPPINESS!
She may be happy traveling and working everyday, but i love my leisure time, working out, baking, doing yoga, and writing poetry.
The things I love doing making me happy. And I will produce money out of those.

Nicole
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Blinded By The Light

Posted on Jun 11th, 2007 by Nicole : Captain Complex Nicole

To whom this may concern:

Do you know what is funny? It is easy to help others, and see their issues clearly. It is simple to evaluate some one else's life, but when it comes to your own, your blinded. You are blinded by the light that shines out from your sub conscience, who is yelling at you the true issue.

It is hard to communicate with your sub conscience self, but sometimes you must. You must to find out what the hell your body and mind are up to. You must to see what is truly wrong . Your Conscious can not tell you everything you need to know. It only holds the information that your conscious being experiences. It does not hold everything you once learned, everything you once loved, everything you once held so close!

If you don't know by now , that we are bipartisan, than I am sorry. But it is true, without doubt. And you MUST communicate with your inner self. Find out what makes you run. What makes you truly happy? What do you want in life?

Don't go on living a life that is conformed to society! Do not go on because you feel like you have to!PLEASE....

*Do what makes you happy in life!
*Find your bliss and make money out of that.
*Don't get stuck in a dead end job, with an endless cycle of "just making the bills."
*Do not stay with someone just because you've been with them so long, feel trapped, & helpless.
*Live your own independent life!

Well, I've gone off track, like always. Sorry. But back to the point of this letter to "the concerned."

I have some issues of my own, that i need to evaluate and analyze.
Sometimes, you think you got it all figured out "for now", but then BAM!
G-D hits you with another entertaining life dilemma, which has actually been sitting there all along.
(( You never can have everything "figured out for life", because you don't know everything.And you never will))

See, this is why you need to be in touch with yourself, to be able to be
TRULY HAPPY.
You need give all of your issues a plan; a plan to solve them.
( I feel like I am talking to myself here. But really, I hope someone reads this and gets something out of it. I am always hoping for the better.)

Hoping for the better is not always best. You need to ACT upon your wishes, dreams, and hopes. It is the only way they will come true.
( So Yes, it is helpful to hope, wish, and dream, but only if you act upon them!)

So thank you for reading this, and please comment.
If you comment, atleast i know you actually sat here and read the darn thing.

Love always, Nicole
Ps: Ill be back soon with more. Smile

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What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid?

Posted on Jun 11th, 2007 by Nicole : Captain Complex Nicole
            I am not afraid. I am brave enough to do what I need, to help change this world. I will not let anyone stand in my way of helping this world. This world will soon see what I am able to do for it, and to what extent.

 

            I know that G-D put me here to help people and this world entirely.

Since I know my purpose on this earth, I can accomplish everything I want to. I do not need to let fear get in the way.

           

            Fear is a number one reason people do not act on their dreams. They fear not succeeding in college, or that special dance class. Fear from the society stops many people in their tracks to happiness. People scare others to get ahead of them. A big corporate company may make a fellow resident fear opening a bakery. They fear it will fail because the corporate sized store, a couple of miles away, will contain all of the local business. The fear incapacitates the wannabe-bakery-owner to run his small business. Fear gets in the way for too many people, and I will not let it scare me!

 

            I will do my best to fulfill all of my possibilities to help this world. No matter what, fear will not be stopping me from changing this wonderful world. It is a magnificent world; it just needs some touch-ups. There is no reason to be afraid, for fear is what gets in the way of succession.

 

How are you going to change the world?

I am going to change the world by helping it. I will have many careers in my lifetime, to help many people. I will have a career in education, to teach the children how to help the world. I will teach them how everyone is equal and different. I will teach them how to get along and find happiness. I will teach them how to love to learn and love to live. The children are the future of this world, so they always come first.

 

Changing the world is a big job, but it is possible. I will have a career in psychology to help all of those who need, or want it. If more people are happy, then the world becomes a happier place.

 

To help the environment, I will have a degree in environmentalism. 

I will preach to cities about greenhouse gases and clean air. I will tell them, " Did you know that sharing a ride with someone just two days a week reduces carbon-dioxide emissions by 1,590 pounds per year?" Simple questions like this will penetrate the crowds to start carpooling. The less amount of emissions means the better the air! The cleaner the air, the healthier this world can be.

 

Everyday I wake up questioning what I can do to help the world. It may be a big job to change the whole world, but with every person I encourage to take my path, this world will change. It will change for the best.
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America Today

Posted on Jun 11th, 2007 by Nicole : Captain Complex Nicole

America Today

 By Nicole

            America is a vast country of many different kinds of subjects. Some of these include the people, states, and the government. The people of America can be placed in many groups and stereotypes, but they are all Americans. The states are mostly the same, except for a few age laws and environments. Many positive things can not be said about the US government, for it has not been listening to 'it's people', since Lincoln stepped out of the building. America is fine place to live, for its civilization and clean water. But when it comes to true, honest substance of a country, it is hard to find here in America.

 

            Americans, Americans, Americans. They are Starbucks loving, technology depending, food wasting, environmentally damaging animals. They are worse than the animals. At minimum, the animals love and care for the environment. Most Americans today have lost all of the traditional values of life. Bakeries have been replaced my cell phone shops. Pet stores have been shut down due to big corporations, like Wal- Mart, selling them out. People are hardly friendly with their neighbors, and must lock their doors at night. There are a few exceptions to this. There are very few small towns left in America, where bakeries are still running and neighbors are chatting. But, for the most part, America has been swallowed by big companies and money.

 

            The states of America need environmental help. Did you know that forty-four percent of American waters can not be swam or fished in? People and their factories have polluted the waters. Fisherman can not enjoy a river like they could in the 1800's. There is very little land left to be built on. Most land is covered by tall or wide buildings. Deserts have been plowed down for houses which no people are living in. Mountains are shaved for no reason. All of this construction is happening, but no thought about the environment is put into it. Clouds of pollution billow out of tractors and trucks all day long. Highways are filled with smog and dust. If only we had horse drawn carriages again! America's states have been building, selling, and buying: murder to nature.

 

            There is so much to be said about the US government, but no one wants to hear it. Americans know that their government is filled with stubborn, unloving, self- centered people. The government never stops to help the small town people, who make up the heart of America. They focus on big money, and that is about it. They cheat us Americans out of our hard earned money, to spend it on their salaries. America's government is dishonest and unapproved by many.

           

            The one thing I am thankful for, to live in America, is its civilization. Although we have damaging traits, corporate wars, and a dishonest government, we still have clean water. We can take showers without worry of getting the water in our mouths. We can order food and have it in five minutes, for less than five dollars. Americans can enjoy a life made easier by technology. We lose our traditional values and traits to this new world, and it is sad. But we still must be thankful for how easy our lives are compared to what American life used to be. America is a country where we can have our cake and eat it too.

 

 

           

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Do What Makes You Happy

Posted on Jun 11th, 2007 by Nicole : Captain Complex Nicole
For seventeen years now, I have been living my life as a poor, trying, girl. I work hard for what I recieve. I know the value of a dollar. But all these years, I have been looking for one thing : Happiness. At some points in my life, I have felt "Happy." An example is when I met Joseph, or when I sit on my beach house porch at 6am watching the sunrise and tide fall. Happiness has been acheived for moments, but never for life. Is happiness just a feeling? Or is it a way of life?

This last January of 2007, I decided to become a more better person. I know last year I was not such a great person. I did not think much about my actions, or at least think the right way. I was suicidal, insane, and drugged. In May 2006 I decided to stop all the crap I have been doing for the past 4 years, and settle down. I know I am still a minor, but that doesnt mean I have to be a "KID."
A KID to me is someone who doesnt know all the rules yet, and can break them freely.  But now I know what is better for me. Joseph helped me see the light.

So in January, I became "Kosher." I started to only eat foods which have been raised and blessed by Rabbis. At first, it did not seem hard. I just bought foods with a "K" on them or "Parve." Everything seemed to get better. I was working, eating kosher, working out, and going to school. I was, and still am,recieving great grades. (The funny thing is, the whole time I was drugged and partying, I still got good grades. I never let my schooling fall. Its Number One!!) All of that pressure got to me though. It broke me down, because I was doing "so good."
When you try to reach perfection,  your reaching for the stars. You can never touch them!  
So I would get mad at myself for various reasons, over the past 3 monthes. I would say "Nicole, I know you can do this. Your a strong person. Just THINK of all the things you have been through!"
So I kept on pushing. This past week though, It got out of hand.
I became so Kosher, that I would not eat anything, even if i was starving. I hadnt eaten all day, because nothing Kosher was in the house. So i started feeling, faint, but ignored it.  I just thought - "eh, ill eat some cereal before bed and be good" But then I starting getting physically sick. That day, I realized, that i needed to stop this "Perfection Binge."   Yesterday was the day I broke my 3 monthes of being Kosher, and practically Vegetarian. I woke up, felt dissapointed in myself, but knew what I had to do. There was not much food in the house, and I was feeling to lazy to go shopping with an empty stomach. So I told my mom "Lets go to Subway." I knew G-D could forgive me, for I do not have thousands of dollars to spend on Kosher Foods every month. So i went to Subway, got a foot long CLUB with everything on it, and went home to chow down on dissapointment. It was the best meal I had in the past 3 monthes, but also the most saddening.
I was eating away all of that hard work. Its like when your dieting ,and crash  with a half gallon of ice cream. You THROW IT ALL AWAY.

But this morning, I had a break through. It really doesn't matter if I eat healthy and Not Kosher. For my whole 17 years I havent eaten like this, why did i Pressure myself so greatly to start now?  It  is because I want to be the best person possible, that I can be. Yes, I was being that person for these past 3 monthes, working out, school, saving money, making others happy, volunteering, the whole sh-bang. 

But Was I HAPPY!?! WAS I HAPPY? NO!

I was STRESSED, TIRED, BURNT OUT, and CRANKY. I was OVERWORKED, UNDER- EATEN, and ready to go back to my old ways.   I was ready to get drunk and sit around all day doing SHIT. ALL BECAUSE I DID THIS TO MYSELF.
My dad warned me to relax, so i wouldn't burn myself out. But I just couldn't relax until I was Perfect.
But you know what ? NOBODYS PERFECT, and SHOULD NOT TRY TO BE.

Im going to live my life from this day on "DOING WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY!!!!" If smoking weed makes me happy, I shall take a hit.
If drinking occasionaly makes me happy, I shall do so. If working out 3 times a week makes me happy, I will sweat my ass off! THIS IS MY LIFE, MY BODY! I can run it as I please. But I WILL NOT BURN MYSELF OUT. I've got atleast another 75 years to live, and theres no reason to burn myself out now.
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