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Life
June 2007 
Do What Makes You Happy
Posted on Jun 11th, 2007
by 
Nicole
Nicole
For seventeen years now, I have been living my life as a poor, trying, girl. I work hard for what I recieve. I know the value of a dollar. But all these years, I have been looking for one thing : Happiness. At some points in my life, I have felt "Happy." An example is when I met Joseph, or when I sit on my beach house porch at 6am watching the sunrise and tide fall. Happiness has been acheived for moments, but never for life. Is happiness just a feeling? Or is it a way of life?
This last January of 2007, I decided to become a more better person. I know last year I was not such a great person. I did not think much about my actions, or at least think the right way. I was suicidal, insane, and drugged. In May 2006 I decided to stop all the crap I have been doing for the past 4 years, and settle down. I know I am still a minor, but that doesnt mean I have to be a "KID."
A KID to me is someone who doesnt know all the rules yet, and can break them freely. But now I know what is better for me. Joseph helped me see the light.
So in January, I became "Kosher." I started to only eat foods which have been raised and blessed by Rabbis. At first, it did not seem hard. I just bought foods with a "K" on them or "Parve." Everything seemed to get better. I was working, eating kosher, working out, and going to school. I was, and still am,recieving great grades. (The funny thing is, the whole time I was drugged and partying, I still got good grades. I never let my schooling fall. Its Number One!!) All of that pressure got to me though. It broke me down, because I was doing "so good."
When you try to reach perfection, your reaching for the stars. You can never touch them!
So I would get mad at myself for various reasons, over the past 3 monthes. I would say "Nicole, I know you can do this. Your a strong person. Just THINK of all the things you have been through!"
So I kept on pushing. This past week though, It got out of hand.
I became so Kosher, that I would not eat anything, even if i was starving. I hadnt eaten all day, because nothing Kosher was in the house. So i started feeling, faint, but ignored it. I just thought - "eh, ill eat some cereal before bed and be good" But then I starting getting physically sick. That day, I realized, that i needed to stop this "Perfection Binge." Yesterday was the day I broke my 3 monthes of being Kosher, and practically Vegetarian. I woke up, felt dissapointed in myself, but knew what I had to do. There was not much food in the house, and I was feeling to lazy to go shopping with an empty stomach. So I told my mom "Lets go to Subway." I knew G-D could forgive me, for I do not have thousands of dollars to spend on Kosher Foods every month. So i went to Subway, got a foot long CLUB with everything on it, and went home to chow down on dissapointment. It was the best meal I had in the past 3 monthes, but also the most saddening.
I was eating away all of that hard work. Its like when your dieting ,and crash with a half gallon of ice cream. You THROW IT ALL AWAY.
But this morning, I had a break through. It really doesn't matter if I eat healthy and Not Kosher. For my whole 17 years I havent eaten like this, why did i Pressure myself so greatly to start now? It is because I want to be the best person possible, that I can be. Yes, I was being that person for these past 3 monthes, working out, school, saving money, making others happy, volunteering, the whole sh-bang.
But Was I HAPPY!?! WAS I HAPPY? NO!
I was STRESSED, TIRED, BURNT OUT, and CRANKY. I was OVERWORKED, UNDER- EATEN, and ready to go back to my old ways. I was ready to get drunk and sit around all day doing SHIT. ALL BECAUSE I DID THIS TO MYSELF.
My dad warned me to relax, so i wouldn't burn myself out. But I just couldn't relax until I was Perfect.
But you know what ? NOBODYS PERFECT, and SHOULD NOT TRY TO BE.
Im going to live my life from this day on "DOING WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY!!!!" If smoking weed makes me happy, I shall take a hit.
If drinking occasionaly makes me happy, I shall do so. If working out 3 times a week makes me happy, I will sweat my ass off! THIS IS MY LIFE, MY BODY! I can run it as I please. But I WILL NOT BURN MYSELF OUT. I've got atleast another 75 years to live, and theres no reason to burn myself out now.
This last January of 2007, I decided to become a more better person. I know last year I was not such a great person. I did not think much about my actions, or at least think the right way. I was suicidal, insane, and drugged. In May 2006 I decided to stop all the crap I have been doing for the past 4 years, and settle down. I know I am still a minor, but that doesnt mean I have to be a "KID."
A KID to me is someone who doesnt know all the rules yet, and can break them freely. But now I know what is better for me. Joseph helped me see the light.
So in January, I became "Kosher." I started to only eat foods which have been raised and blessed by Rabbis. At first, it did not seem hard. I just bought foods with a "K" on them or "Parve." Everything seemed to get better. I was working, eating kosher, working out, and going to school. I was, and still am,recieving great grades. (The funny thing is, the whole time I was drugged and partying, I still got good grades. I never let my schooling fall. Its Number One!!) All of that pressure got to me though. It broke me down, because I was doing "so good."
When you try to reach perfection, your reaching for the stars. You can never touch them!
So I would get mad at myself for various reasons, over the past 3 monthes. I would say "Nicole, I know you can do this. Your a strong person. Just THINK of all the things you have been through!"
So I kept on pushing. This past week though, It got out of hand.
I became so Kosher, that I would not eat anything, even if i was starving. I hadnt eaten all day, because nothing Kosher was in the house. So i started feeling, faint, but ignored it. I just thought - "eh, ill eat some cereal before bed and be good" But then I starting getting physically sick. That day, I realized, that i needed to stop this "Perfection Binge." Yesterday was the day I broke my 3 monthes of being Kosher, and practically Vegetarian. I woke up, felt dissapointed in myself, but knew what I had to do. There was not much food in the house, and I was feeling to lazy to go shopping with an empty stomach. So I told my mom "Lets go to Subway." I knew G-D could forgive me, for I do not have thousands of dollars to spend on Kosher Foods every month. So i went to Subway, got a foot long CLUB with everything on it, and went home to chow down on dissapointment. It was the best meal I had in the past 3 monthes, but also the most saddening.
I was eating away all of that hard work. Its like when your dieting ,and crash with a half gallon of ice cream. You THROW IT ALL AWAY.
But this morning, I had a break through. It really doesn't matter if I eat healthy and Not Kosher. For my whole 17 years I havent eaten like this, why did i Pressure myself so greatly to start now? It is because I want to be the best person possible, that I can be. Yes, I was being that person for these past 3 monthes, working out, school, saving money, making others happy, volunteering, the whole sh-bang.
But Was I HAPPY!?! WAS I HAPPY? NO!
I was STRESSED, TIRED, BURNT OUT, and CRANKY. I was OVERWORKED, UNDER- EATEN, and ready to go back to my old ways. I was ready to get drunk and sit around all day doing SHIT. ALL BECAUSE I DID THIS TO MYSELF.
My dad warned me to relax, so i wouldn't burn myself out. But I just couldn't relax until I was Perfect.
But you know what ? NOBODYS PERFECT, and SHOULD NOT TRY TO BE.
Im going to live my life from this day on "DOING WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY!!!!" If smoking weed makes me happy, I shall take a hit.
If drinking occasionaly makes me happy, I shall do so. If working out 3 times a week makes me happy, I will sweat my ass off! THIS IS MY LIFE, MY BODY! I can run it as I please. But I WILL NOT BURN MYSELF OUT. I've got atleast another 75 years to live, and theres no reason to burn myself out now.
Access: Public
Nicole… you're only 17.. you are beautiful inside and out.. perfect in your way, do what makes you happy there is no right or wrong, life is however you make it to be… nothing more. Go where you might find peace, love and joy. Do not worry for abundance is all around you.
with love,
Lisa
I've been where you have. Welcome to happiness! I hope you find it.
Unfortunately, I believe happiness is an emotion, that comes and goes. This can be upsetting, but, in the long run, the things that make you happy give you the value and ability to recognize that which makes you unhappy, and vise versa, which is exactly what you've done. Live by your own standards! Hooray! Don't let anything or anyone else direct your :)
Alex :D